Order these steps of mine

Dear Father,

I am sorry for earlier. You are not the reason why I don't feel good. You didn't bring it on me, if anything You are the One who can help. Who will lift me up. And I am sorry!

I am sorry that i try to carry the weight of my pain on my shoulders
I am sorry that i don't know how to come to You to lift it off
I am sorry that i gave up on me because in that i also gave up on You, the Almighty
I am sorry that i am lost and don't know how to ask You for directions
I am sorry that i have no faith to believe in what i hope for, Who You are
I am just so sorry, i am not the person that i should be.......that i could be!

This is not a poem or my attempts at getting words to rhyme, I do honestly feel empty. I know all the tricks to creating my sunshine and like i said before i can do it but somewhere deep inside, i know its not enough. It was never enough!

I am empty and yet, i still can't ask You in. I just can't do it Father. Because, i am afriad that i will only dissapoint You again.

And i will be dissapointed too!

Forgive me but this is how it will be. I will shake it off. This feeling. Like a million times before now, i will rise up from this hollow debris and smile again because it is in me. I will be fine again because this emptiness will pass like it always does and the sun will shine again.

I am sorry Father that i can't open up to You!

But please order my steps. That is all i ask for. That You may order my steps and the paths before me and somehow lead me to the place i need to be to find You and perhaps find myself.

But whatever happens, don't let me go. Don't let me out of Your sight.

I am so sorry. Forgive me.

But Please Order these steps of mine.

Thank you